Metro Misinformed, Part 4: Two Tickets to the Circus

You know it's tourist season when you see the strollers double-parked at the Metro card machines. Here are a few tips for those of you who may be new to our cave-transit system.

The machines: they're finicky, and we know you have no idea what you're doing. If you're having trouble, please: just ask the person behind you. They want to reload their SmarTrip or get a paper card before the next train comes in four minutes, so they'll probably help you out.

About that card: don't lose it. Don't toss it in the trash after you go through the gates. Don't forget what pocket you put it in and decide not to worry about it. You need to worry because you need the card when you want to get out of the damn tunnel. I'm not really sure what happens if you lose your card--I don't think it's like the interstate where you have to pay the highest toll if you lost your ticket--but I can guarantee that it won't be pretty.

Should you lose your precious card: please don't stand in front of the gate and fish around in your fanny pack for more than 5 seconds. We're all going to get upset at you as we bottle neck all the way back to the escalator. Move aside, my friend. Move aside.

The handicapped gates: use some common sense, please. Stop looking for your card to come out of the top like it does everywhere else. It won't. You know why? Because they made those gates for the handicapped. A lot of the handicapped can't reach the ticket if it's going to come out the top. So stop looking there. Look right by your fingers, where you left them after you crammed your sweaty little card into the slot. See your card? Good job, now get out of the way.

The SmarTrip lanes: You know those people on I-95 who have to skip about ten lanes over to either get in or out of the EZ Pass lane? We've got 'em now, too. The entire lane is blue, and you're not going to see a slot. So unless you can slam your SmarTrip card down at the gate and breeze through, forget it. Cut in front of sixteen angry interns to get into the next lane.

Okay, kids. Try it on your own this time. I have high hopes for you; you'll be mowing over a new class of new kids in no time.